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These are genuine calls, letters and emails received in Estate Agency Offices. We hope they make you laugh.
Tenant to Agent
- I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall
- I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
- I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
- The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children.
- Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
- Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone to do something about it.
- The toilet seat is cracked – where do I stand?
- I have had the contractor down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction.
Buyer to Agent
- My position, my house is under offer to a First Time Buyer so in effect i'm as good as cash, chain free.
- I'd like to offer £300,000 but I will go to £320,000 if pushed.
- "I'm looking for a house in this area"... Agent:"Where are you calling from?"...." My mobile"
- "I'm going to be 10 minutes late for my viewing, can your agent hold on?"... Agent:"No problem, where are you?"..."Just about to leave my house and catch the bus"
- £30,000 off asking price, it needs new carpets!!!
Seller to Agent
- Great job getting the asking price, but can you see if you can get £2000 more but try and make it feel like they've got a bargin.
- The headstone? That's my great grandfather.
- We are looking to buy somewhere else but tell them it's chain free.
- Do they want me to leave the bespoke blinds? if so how much will they pay for them? We have no use for them.
- They can come round and view but they can't look in all the rooms.
- This is the largest on the plot, the developer built it for himself.
Solicitor to Agent
- I update this buyer everyday with the same thing, it's like talking to Dory.
- 9 times out of 10 you'd be 100% correct
- My assistant is looking at the file, she knows what's going on.
- When are we looking to exchange?
- Do you know if the client is still looking to proceed?
- Ready when the buyer is
- I can't understand this client, there is an enforcement order and they still want me to proceed.
Surveyor to Agent
- Yes it's in good condition, how many bedrooms is it again?
- I don't know what the problem is but it doesn't look serious.
- When you say 2 up 2 down, what do you mean?
Landlord to Agent
- One of the other tenants is going to steal his milk and when he pops to the shop, I'm going to swoop in and change the locks.
- It's ok, if there's any problems, I just live next door.
- It's a 6 bedroom house but it was originally a 4 bed with 2 reception rooms.
- I don't want to include the garage, I have a lot of things in there I don't want anyone to see.
- The market rent might be £700 but I need £900 to cover my mortgage.
- Do you think the tenants will want to buy it in a couple years time.
- I will fix the tenants boiler the minute I come back from holiday, until then I have my own problems.
- They can have dogs but not ones that bark.
- The tenant needs to understand that if they don't pay the rent, I'm going to be the one who gets evicted.
- Hits: 339
Rents in London boroughs of Bexley and have recorded their first annual drop for eight years. The drop is noticed across the entire capital but Bexley and Greenwich saw some of the largest falls as did the south east including Dartford and beyond.
In April, the average rent in the capital was £1,519, £18 lower than a year earlier, and the first annual decrease since 2009, placing downward pressure on rental price inflation across the UK, which dropped to its lowest level for seven years.
Rents in the South East of England have also declined, by an average of 0.4%.
UK rents in April were just 0.4% higher than a year ago, with the average monthly rent now standing at £904; this is the lowest rental price inflation figure since February 2010,.
Tommy Staples, Director of Anthony James commented: “Rents have been rising at a more modest pace for some time now. This is normally a precursor that the market is about to pivot.” Some pundits believe the changing market could be a response to seasonal supply being higher as a result of last years stamp duty rush, but Tommy doesn’t agree with this opinion.
“It appears we may have hit an affordability ceiling. Young millennials are finding it hard to rent on their own with almost 60% of their post tax income going on rental. This is leading to the rise of room sharing with friends which in the long term could pose problems for landlords”.
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A well known specialist mortgage lender for the buy to let sector, Paragon, has refreshed its offering in the light of what it calls “a diverse market” with “different types of landlord.”
The products, which are available to individual landlords and limited companies, include two and five year fixed rates for single self-contained units, houses in multiple occupation and multi-unit blocks.
“Our range is designed with a diverse market in mind, catering for different types of landlords with individual requirements. With the tax changes now being phased in, and continued challenges for landlords over the long term, these products support long term planning and reflect the trend we’ve seen of a preference towards longer term fixed rates” explains John Heron, Paragon’s managing director.
One new product is a five year fixed rate at 3.75 per cent with a 1.50 per cent product fee at 75 per cent loan to value for single self-contained units, and a five year fixed rate at 3.85 per cent with a 1.50 per cent product fee at 75 per cent LTV for HMOs and MUBs.
Interest coverage ratios on these products are unchanged, starting at 125 per cent at 4.0 per cent, graduated to reflect each landlord’s individual tax status.
Paragon’s range of shorter term, two year fixed rate products has also been refreshed.
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The Mortgage Works has cut its interest cover ratio for buy-to-let lending to lower rate taxpayers from 145% to 125%.
The reduction will apply to those paying no tax and basic rate tax on income, but there will be no change to policy for landlords who meet the higher 145% ICR.
Landlords’ maximum portfolio size on completion of new applications is three properties.
Paul Wootton, managing director of specialist lending at The Mortgage Works, said: “We are taking steps to make sure that those buy-to-let borrowers who are paying tax at the lower rate see that reflected with appropriate measures of affordability.
“The Mortgage Works, as part of Nationwide, already robustly assesses the affordability of its buy-to-let mortgages against stress rates that are higher than the borrower’s existing rate, and wanted to take a more flexible approach for those borrowers unaffected by the incoming tax relief changes.”
Eamonn Delaney At Anthony James has added. " this is welcome news and shows a lender thinking in the right direction"
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Greenwich council in London is the latest to announce an extension to its HMO licensing policy.
The council is already legally obliged to license the largest HMOs that provide accommodation over three storeys or more to at least five residents. Now a new policy created by the council means every HMO will be required to have a license from October 1.
The council claims this has come about because of concern "about poor standards in the private rented sector".
Since 2013 a team of officers has visited over 1,750 properties in total in the borough and carried out over 1,330 formal investigations into unsatisfactory conditions. More than 2,200 hazards to tenants' health or safety have been identified.
The council says an extensive public consultation was carried out and approximately 80 per cent of residents and tenants who responded were in favour of the changes to HMO licensing.